My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
