I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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