first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
