I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
