I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
