if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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