Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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