dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
