Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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