I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
