bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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