I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
