His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
