If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
