the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
