Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
