I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize