Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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