After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
