this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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