I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
