i was born a porn star she said
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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