You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My ass is underappreciated
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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