Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Rumble strips road head = magical
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
