2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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