He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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