3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
