You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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