You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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