I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
