She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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