Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
barbara walters just said penis...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
