I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
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