You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
