I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize