Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
