apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
