I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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