I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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