The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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