my phone needs a breathalizer
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
