so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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