shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
