You're completely useless in the revolution.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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