Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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