Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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