i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize