you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
