she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
