nut hugger
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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