I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
