I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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