oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
