The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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