You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
