So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
