Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
