Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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