ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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