What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
